I started this post twice this morning…

It’s not often that I am at a loss for words.  I usually have something to say, something to write.  I think this morning that I am filled with so many emotions that I can’t seem to focus on what to say.  But I do feel the need to try to get what is churning around inside of me out into the open.  I know that until that happens I am going to continue to be emotional and tied up in knots for the day.  It’s a beautiful spring day in Texas and I plan to head out and hug the stuffin out of my corner of the world.  I may get a few things done here and head to my “happiest place on earth” the Fort Worth Stockyards and just walk around and appreciate my life and the fact that I can hop in my car and visit there anytime that I want.

Fuck cancer…you know I’m not won to be graphic and toss the F bomb on a regular basis.  But this morning, it seems to be the only word that fits how I am feeling.  I woke up to a Facebook message from a friend who has been diagnosed with kidney cancer.  Mind you, I have never met this person face-to-face, but I have known him for close to 4 years via Twitter.  (I can see a few of you rolling your eyes–oh interwebz people.)  There was a time in my life I would have more than likely done the same thing.

Long ago this group of people went from becoming just invisible faces on the internetz to my friends.  Through my many life changes in the past few years, my move to Texas and a slew of misadventures this group of friends have become a major section of my support group, my security net.  I have made some great new friends in Texas, work friends, dancing friends, new co-workers and they mean a great deal to me as well.

There is no line saying these are internet friends, and these are real life friends, people are just friends who add to my life each and every day.  I think the Universe sends us messages along the way in life, yeah, I’m goofy that way. Today after a challenge filled week I think the message was, “hey blondie there are much worse things in life than your small problems.”  A lifetime ago I heard the Tim McGraw song Live Like you Were Dying.  It struck such a chord with me.  It was during a time of transition in my life, a time when I knew that I wanted much more out of the second half of my life. (Yes, I plan to live to be at least 100.)  My life is more than I ever imagined it would become back then.  For some of those changes, there was a price to pay, and it wasn’t always easy.

But always, I got by with a little help from my friends.

I’m sure it was hard for my friend to send that Facebook message this morning.  I felt honored to be a part of a small select group of people who received that email.  I can’t say that we have been close in fact when I read his message today I tried to think of the last time I had heard from him.  It made me a little sad that I had let him drop off of my radar, usually I pick up on people who I haven’t seen for awhile.

This hit me harder than I would have thought.  I’ve been a *hot mess* this morning and very emotional.  I feel sad for my friend and I hope that he finds a solution for the pain, and receives treatment that will help him to move past this terrible disease. I will do a better job of trying to keep track of him and stay in touch.

I really think the reason that this hit me so hard this morning is because I know someone else that was diagnosed with kidney cancer, and I tease him unmercifully about the fact that he now has one kidney.  He never whines or complains about his cancer and all that I know he is dealing with.  It’s not a subject that we discuss, our conversations tend to be about so many other things.  But Fuck Cancer is always there in the back of my mind. Crap, I don’t believe I am going to actually admit this, he has been a positive influence on my life.  I have also told him how much I love him, and how much he means to me.  It was a weak moment, neither one of us can deal with it when we are actually NICE to each other.

I had a friend who was diagnosed with cancer and did not want anyone to know.  He wanted people to treat him normally, he didn’t want pity and special considerations.  I could understand that, and respected his choice.

Life can end for any of us, today, tomorrow, I kind of like not knowing when my life will come to an end.  I made a decision many years ago to not fill my life with *I should have* *I wish I would have* kinds of statements.  I think that I have been put on this earth to make the world a better place.  I want to live the kind of life that if I were hit by a bus tomorrow I could look back and say, yes, I made a difference in this world.

“Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day.” ~ Melody Beattie

“Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.” ~ Grace Hansen

One thought on “I started this post twice this morning…

  1. Big cyber-hugs to you and your friend. You and I have never met in person (but I hope we do someday) but I still consider you a “real” friend. I will be sending out good thoughts and prayers.

    Lots of love to you, dear.

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