I’ve not made a secret of the fact that I have really been dreading the holiday season. The past two Christmas seasons have been the absolute worse of my life. This year I was all set to bury my head in the sand and pretend that I had no clue where my Christmas decorations might be hiding. After much thought I decided that not having a tree, and trying to ignore the season would only make me sadder. I thought about my mom, and I know in my heart that she would want me to be celebrating this holiday season, my new location, my new life.
So today, I pulled out the boxes of decorations and decorated my beautiful tree with white lights and silver decorations and began to put my Santa collection around the base of the tree. I decorated the small tree with special ornaments that remind me of many Christmases past–ornaments from friends, ones I made, even a few Texas ones that I bought last year. That little tree is covered with all sorts of love. It made me think about my daughters and how they would whine and complain about helping me decorate the tree, but the ornaments told a story. Each year I would make them a special ornament, or buy them something for the tree. When I left the house, I left the ornaments behind for them, a link to their growing up years. I hope when they hang them on their tree that they think of me..and that one day they will understand the choices and the decisions that I have made. I think they will, they are pretty bright girls–look at their mother? :o)
I have a small Santa collection of 5 Santas. Very nice expensive ones that were given to me over the years by both my mom and my brother. While unpacking the boxes they were tossed all over the place from being pulled from the closet. One box I opened from the bottom and found a card at the top/bottom of the box, long since hidden and forgotten:
To Ann from Mom & Dad,
I hope every time you see this you will think of me.
As you can expect I was a mess after reading the card, and sobbed for a full 5 minutes. Umm, I kinda think that was Mom’s way of letting me know that it’s ok to celebrate, to enjoy life. I will miss not being with my daughters on the holiday, but honestly last year it was an hour or so they visited the apartment, the year before I spent Christmas alone. I will be in Ohio December 19-21 and will get to see them both when my daughter graduates from college…but I will be back in Texas for December 25.
I have a lot to celebrate this year. I can remember decorating that tree last year and telling myself that next year–this year I would be in Texas for Christmas, and here I am. I have a job that I love, terrific people to work with, and some new people who have come into my life and added much joy.
Tis the season to celebrate JOY and to celebrate life, that’s exactly what I plan to do.
…and yeah Mom, I thought about you today when I unpacked that Santa and put it under my Texas Tree….